Tuesday, November 25, 2008

insomnia

I can't sleep.
This is getting ridunkulous.
My man is at work, my three boys are sleeping like the dead, and I'm staring at the ceiling above my bed, wide awake.

I have been feeling a bit blogboring lately. Get ready for another round.

Yesterday I went for my second run since Riley's birth. Same deal: run 1 minute, walk 4 minutes, six times. This time I pushed Riley in the stroller so Brent could nap and Ayden and Matthew could watch a movie. I bundled Riley up really well because it was SO COLD! It was a gorgeous day, though, and I had to take advantage of the sun (watery though it was). It felt great! Endorphin city, batman. Love those endorphins.
I used to be a ballet dancer (for those of you who have known me for less than five years). Not belly dancer. BALLET dancer. Haha. When I danced, I pushed myself really hard and achieved some amazing stuff with my physical body. I loved it. I loved expressing my whole self all at once, and experiencing that in community (in groups of dancers or with an audience). Well, I have a leftover tendency to want to push my body's physicality beyond what is balanced. I used to be in stellar shape, and was super aware of my body, but not all that responsive to it. You know, it would tell me to stop but I wouldn't? Incidentally this extended to food: I ate because I had to, not because I was responding to feeling hungry or full per se, and definitely not because I enjoyed food. I remember one of my (bitch skinny) fellow dancers/friends used to describe herself as 'in love with food,' and I thought she was alien in this regard. I'd just as soon have eaten once a month if it was possible. Suffice it to say, I have a much better relationship with food now than I did then, and am trying to learn to have the same regard for my physical body when it comes to exercise. Rather than push and push and push, I am trying to take things slowly. On Sunday when I ran I was sorely tempted to run for longer periods of time, or for an extra 5 or 10 minutes, but I decided rather to allow myself to keep to the original plan: run 1/walk 4, x 6.
I'm glad I did. I could feel my pelvic floor muscles fatiguing by the end of my last walk 4, and I'd have surely peed my pants if I went any longer. (my new measure of how far to push myself is whether or not I've peed my pants! Awesome! So classy).
My goal this year is to run in the Sun Run (10 K), and to run the entire distance. After that, I'm entering a mini triathlon with my mom and sister (my mom is the World's Slowest Runner, btw, and she hates to swim. But she's signing up!). This will necessitate me buying a bike.
It's about time I had a bicycle.
Anyways, I figure if I take it slow and don't rush things and get injured or disenfranchised with the whole thing, I should be able to do it (it will be my fourth Sun Run, but my first Mini Triathlon).

Another thing about food: I made a wicked supper tonight. BBQ chicken with Thai peanut sauce on it, garlic mashed potatoes, baked squash, salad, and rosemary olive oil bread (bought, not made. I don't go so far as to bake bread. Yet). DROOOOOL. I'm so good.

Also, after much hunting, a serious consideration of giving up, and a near miss when I arrived at her office and couldn't get in the building, I've found a counsellor! I really was two hairs away from getting back in my car and driving away when I couldn't get in her building. I LIKE her. I'm so glad I like her. The previous one was a bit weird. Okay, a lot weird.
I have horrible dreams, like one where Ayden crawled in a campfire pit and I watched him burn from the top of a camper where I was breastfeeding Riley so I couldn't leap down and save him, or else it would jar Riley too much and possibly injure him, and I lost my voice so I couldn't scream at anyone else to get help.
Or I am searching and searching for something really important and then find a little boy ouside in a cold pond on a freezing winter day (that drowned baby I took care of last February).
Or my dad cheats on my mom and I'm furious and searching for him to tell him off and can't find him?

I'm just now figuring out why my subconscious might not want to fall asleep sometimes?! Ah, insomnia. You save me from my dreams.

I don't have these dreams every night, but maybe once a week or so? And I fight off some anxiety sometimes still, too. So i thought a counsellor might help me, but couldn't find a good one, until last Thursday. Hooray! She gets me and she's so good I feel like she reads my mind.
"I sense you have some fear regarding loss in your life."
Ya think?
"Do you have any theories as to why?"
Dang, she's good.
She's fantastic because she simultaneously validates my feelings AND debunks the myths behind my anxiety. And listens well.


Today I had a Carbon Emissions Reduced day. :-) For years I have HATED public buses in Canada. In Europe, everyone takes the bus all the time, but here you get lotsa drunks, scrubbies, and a smattering of factory workers. Plus, the bus passes the bus stop once every half hour, so if you miss one (and they are forever coming up to ten minutes EARLY) you are stuck waiting for a long time.
However. I want to change my transportation habits somewhat, and include riding the bus in my transportation options toolbox. Especially around our little section of town, because we have a Community Shuttle which is quite clean and small and on which I've never seen a drunk or scrubby.
Today, I walked the big boys to school, walked the rest of the way to the public library, and took the bus home.
It was almost a disaster because I checked online for the library bus stop schedule but accidentally looked at the Southbound instead of the Northbound times. I emerged from the gas station with my fare saver bus tickets in hand to see my bus go whistling past my stop, half a block West of me. SHIT! Now I'd have to wait HALF AN HOUR, or I could just walk the rest of the way home but I was wearing Riley and I could feel myself getting tired, and the timing was off. Either I walk all the way home (2.5 Km) and turn around and walk back to pick up the boys from school, or I walk to the school and wait because I would be half an hour early.
I sat down on the bus stop bench to eat my snack, rest, and try to decide what to do.
Before I decided, along came another bus! Cool.

Emissions reduced.
And bus trip successful on clean bus, with no scrubbies.

I hardly recognize myself! All this healthy growth! I better have a meltdown or something to offset things.

My cousin Sara can't sleep because her baby Ryen likes to keep her up all night.
Ironically, my baby sleeps like a dream child and I can't sleep.
Ye gods have it in for us.

Here are some nice pix:








My fave? The gorilla breastfeeding with the extend-a-nipple. I can relate!
photos

5 comments:

Asheya said...

Ha, ha that's too funny about the exercise thing because I am totally the opposite! I don't even understand how people can want to push themselves - I am so like, ouch, this hurts, ooooh, it's too hard, man I gotta stop now before I die (or even get close).

I went to yoga last night, and it was one of the easiest classes so far, and I found it so incredibly hard. I think it's because I'm pregnant. One of the stretches that I really like, which involves lying down (that's why I like it, it's so easy! gravity does all the work) I could hardly even stay in. I was trying to listen to my body so I wouldn't overstretch (which is easy to do in pregnancy because of loosening ligaments and because I am really inflexible to begin with) but I mean this was ridiculous.

And then I couldn't sleep later that night! I was exhausted, I'd done exercise, I deserve sleep, right? Nope. Went to bed at 10:45 couldn't sleep until after midnight. I have no clue why. Grrr.

Right now I am waiting for Elias to fall asleep so I can go and have a nap, but I know exactly what will happen. I'll go lie down and Eowyn will wake up and I will be the mommy with no sleep! And then Eric will come home and wonder why I'm grouchy.

I am really glad to hear you found a counsellor you connect with. That's awesome and hard to find!

Kudos on the bus trip. There are a bunch of different reasons I don't take the bus in Whitehorse, (cold, having to walk long distances, strange schedules, stupid fare and transfer system where you can only go one way for one fare, which really does not make the trip financially worthwhile) but given different circumstances I would ideally take public transit more regularly. I hope.

Or my dream is to own a horse and get back to the good old days, y'know? Where you feed the creature and what comes out is actually energy to get you where you want to go and fertilizer for your fields. Nothing wasted or polluting. But I think I'd have to live in a different climate for that one.

Well, this was fun! Sorry I took up all the comment space - hopefully there's some left for other people! If I make a habit of leaving comments this long I really won't get around to writing on my own blog!

lori lls said...

I loved the gorilla picture too; it was my instant favorite, though the others were lovely in their own right. But go, go, Gadget Nipple.

When you said your new measure for how far to push yourself was whether or not you'd peed your pants, I laughed a good deal.

Fun post to read!

Caryn and Dan said...

Melissa, I loved this post. Wow, I am also seeking out some councelling for some constant nightmares, & fear/anxiety issues, nice to know I am not alone. Post-natal Caryn has been emotionally coo-coo.

In terms of fitness. I too was a fit person once. Hmmm... ya, that's about all I have to say about that...

Anonymous said...

Okay the gorila picture hurts and I cannot look at it, the dancer thing surprises, the bad dream thing doesn't your job was dealing with that kind of stuff,blood, trama, flight or fight stuff. your stress may be of a different kind at home but your brain sees it both as stress, it pulls all memories of what is remembers is stress and past stress that you have dealt with and its a dream it mixes that stuff up, remind yourself it didn't really happen to your kids, you are under stress being at home with three and you have new challenges,new methods of stress skills to learn. You are gaining new ground here, tending new land. Your brain patterns and reflexes know how to deal with job stress situations, you need to train your memory recall and reactions that your current stress with dealing with kids is of a different kind. At work that flight or fright response when you see trama kicks you into gear. You are just adjusting to new stress that doesn't require that kind of trama for a response, or the same kind of response. Your brain and habits take awhile to switch and differenciate (sorry spelling, tell the difference). You sound overwelmed. I am getting better at letting go of my stress, am I crazy, are they(kids) going to be okay, am I a good mother thoughts when I don't get sleep, because lets face it ladies, when we don't get sleep we are crazy. On the jogging thing don't hurt yourself. I had an athletic friend that worked out too soon after having a baby and hurt herself. I read an awesome book that changed my life, easy read. loving what is, by katie byron. so helped me. we should have a play date. wednesdays, or thurdsays or saturdays are good for me, alyssa

Dana said...

I'm totally the same as Asheya in the exercise department! Right down to the lack of flexibility!

I admire your drive and ability to push yourself, Melissa! But yeah, don't hurt yourself.