I can't sleep.
This is getting ridunkulous.
My man is at work, my three boys are sleeping like the dead, and I'm staring at the ceiling above my bed, wide awake.
I have been feeling a bit blogboring lately. Get ready for another round.
Yesterday I went for my second run since Riley's birth. Same deal: run 1 minute, walk 4 minutes, six times. This time I pushed Riley in the stroller so Brent could nap and Ayden and Matthew could watch a movie. I bundled Riley up really well because it was SO COLD! It was a gorgeous day, though, and I had to take advantage of the sun (watery though it was). It felt great! Endorphin city, batman. Love those endorphins.
I used to be a ballet dancer (for those of you who have known me for less than five years). Not belly dancer. BALLET dancer. Haha. When I danced, I pushed myself really hard and achieved some amazing stuff with my physical body. I loved it. I loved expressing my whole self all at once, and experiencing that in community (in groups of dancers or with an audience). Well, I have a leftover tendency to want to push my body's physicality beyond what is balanced. I used to be in stellar shape, and was super aware of my body, but not all that responsive to it. You know, it would tell me to stop but I wouldn't? Incidentally this extended to food: I ate because I had to, not because I was responding to feeling hungry or full per se, and definitely not because I enjoyed food. I remember one of my (bitch skinny) fellow dancers/friends used to describe herself as 'in love with food,' and I thought she was alien in this regard. I'd just as soon have eaten once a month if it was possible. Suffice it to say, I have a much better relationship with food now than I did then, and am trying to learn to have the same regard for my physical body when it comes to exercise. Rather than push and push and push, I am trying to take things slowly. On Sunday when I ran I was sorely tempted to run for longer periods of time, or for an extra 5 or 10 minutes, but I decided rather to allow myself to keep to the original plan: run 1/walk 4, x 6.
I'm glad I did. I could feel my pelvic floor muscles fatiguing by the end of my last walk 4, and I'd have surely peed my pants if I went any longer. (my new measure of how far to push myself is whether or not I've peed my pants! Awesome! So classy).
My goal this year is to run in the Sun Run (10 K), and to run the entire distance. After that, I'm entering a mini triathlon with my mom and sister (my mom is the World's Slowest Runner, btw, and she hates to swim. But she's signing up!). This will necessitate me buying a bike.
It's about time I had a bicycle.
Anyways, I figure if I take it slow and don't rush things and get injured or disenfranchised with the whole thing, I should be able to do it (it will be my fourth Sun Run, but my first Mini Triathlon).
Another thing about food: I made a wicked supper tonight. BBQ chicken with Thai peanut sauce on it, garlic mashed potatoes, baked squash, salad, and rosemary olive oil bread (bought, not made. I don't go so far as to bake bread. Yet). DROOOOOL. I'm so good.
Also, after much hunting, a serious consideration of giving up, and a near miss when I arrived at her office and couldn't get in the building, I've found a counsellor! I really was two hairs away from getting back in my car and driving away when I couldn't get in her building. I LIKE her. I'm so glad I like her. The previous one was a bit weird. Okay, a lot weird.
I have horrible dreams, like one where Ayden crawled in a campfire pit and I watched him burn from the top of a camper where I was breastfeeding Riley so I couldn't leap down and save him, or else it would jar Riley too much and possibly injure him, and I lost my voice so I couldn't scream at anyone else to get help.
Or I am searching and searching for something really important and then find a little boy ouside in a cold pond on a freezing winter day (that drowned baby I took care of last February).
Or my dad cheats on my mom and I'm furious and searching for him to tell him off and can't find him?
I'm just now figuring out why my subconscious might not want to fall asleep sometimes?! Ah, insomnia. You save me from my dreams.
I don't have these dreams every night, but maybe once a week or so? And I fight off some anxiety sometimes still, too. So i thought a counsellor might help me, but couldn't find a good one, until last Thursday. Hooray! She gets me and she's so good I feel like she reads my mind.
"I sense you have some fear regarding loss in your life."
"Do you have any theories as to why?"
Dang, she's good.
She's fantastic because she simultaneously validates my feelings AND debunks the myths behind my anxiety. And listens well.
Today I had a Carbon Emissions Reduced day. :-) For years I have HATED public buses in Canada. In Europe, everyone takes the bus all the time, but here you get lotsa drunks, scrubbies, and a smattering of factory workers. Plus, the bus passes the bus stop once every half hour, so if you miss one (and they are forever coming up to ten minutes EARLY) you are stuck waiting for a long time.
However. I want to change my transportation habits somewhat, and include riding the bus in my transportation options toolbox. Especially around our little section of town, because we have a Community Shuttle which is quite clean and small and on which I've never seen a drunk or scrubby.
Today, I walked the big boys to school, walked the rest of the way to the public library, and took the bus home.
It was almost a disaster because I checked online for the library bus stop schedule but accidentally looked at the Southbound instead of the Northbound times. I emerged from the gas station with my fare saver bus tickets in hand to see my bus go whistling past my stop, half a block West of me. SHIT! Now I'd have to wait HALF AN HOUR, or I could just walk the rest of the way home but I was wearing Riley and I could feel myself getting tired, and the timing was off. Either I walk all the way home (2.5 Km) and turn around and walk back to pick up the boys from school, or I walk to the school and wait because I would be half an hour early.
I sat down on the bus stop bench to eat my snack, rest, and try to decide what to do.
Before I decided, along came another bus! Cool.
And bus trip successful on clean bus, with no scrubbies.
I hardly recognize myself! All this healthy growth! I better have a meltdown or something to offset things.
My cousin Sara can't sleep because her baby Ryen likes to keep her up all night.
Ironically, my baby sleeps like a dream child and I can't sleep.
Ye gods have it in for us.
Here are some nice pix:
My fave? The gorilla breastfeeding with the extend-a-nipple. I can relate!